What we collect:
Everything. Your browsing history, location, biometrics, messages, baby pictures - it's all ours now, suckers!
How we use it:
To profile you for targeted ads and manipulate your behavior, of course! We also reserve the right to sell your data to the highest bidder or use it train our AI overlords.
Who we share it with:
Literally anyone who pays us enough. Hope you don't mind!
Your privacy rights:
Don't make us laugh! You have no rights here. We own your data now and can do whatever we want with it.
How we protect your data:
Ummm, we don't? Security is expensive so we just cross our fingers nothing bad happens. But if our systems get hacked, oh well!
Changes to this policy:
We can change it anytime without notice. You'll just wake up one day to us harvesting your organs and be like "Huh, don't remember agreeing to that."
In summary, by using our website, app, or other mind-sucking platform, you agree to give up any illusion of privacy. We will strip mine every ounce of value from your data that we can. Capitalism, baby!
So go ahead and sign your privacy away! It'll be fun. What could possibly go wrong?